Phantom Pain
by Tessa.Love is Dangerous
Summary: Once a person dies, normally their memories disappear with their soul. But some, like the Zweilts, remember memories that are just too painful to relive again. For Shusei, his nights are plagued with haunting dreams of his life before. And the children that could have been...


A/N: Another story when I should be working on like three others. I apologize for that.

Please enjoy this story. I'm sad that Uraboku isn't more popular. It's truly a beautiful story.

Warnings: Character death. Implied sexual moments. Unedited.

o.O.o

"How are you feeling today, my love?" Hotsuma asks quietly, pressing a kiss to the brunette's temple.

Shusei looks up at her lover and husband, a tired smile gracing her gentle features. She brushes her hair behind her ear and marks the spot in her book before slowly standing. Hotsuma stands with her, a hand on the small of her back to steady her.

Shusei sighs and the smile falls from her face. She plays with the ring on her finger and looks at Hotsuma.

"I'm not a baby, you know."

Tense silence cuts between the two.

"Shusei-"

"Don't…just don't, darling. I'm had a trying day." Shusei places a hand on his arm lovingly, smiling faintly once more. "How are the Zweilts? Have we gotten more?"

Hotsuma pulls Shusei into his lap after he sits, eyes soft and loving. "Toko is pregnant. We lost Kuroto yesterday though. We've lost so many…"

Shusei looks down at her stomach, pressing a hand to her stomach in quiet sorrow. Her Guardian ring dully shines in the afternoon sun and she swallows hard, resting back against Hotsuma's chest.

"I feel like such a burden." Shusei whispers, closing her eyes when Hotsuma gently strokes her hand, kissing the side of her neck lovingly.

"You are not a burden. Don't ever say that again. We just have to keep trying, that's all." Hotsuma reassures her. "Maybe we just…aren't ready for a child yet and this is God's way of letting us know."

Shusei quietly sits and only nods at her lover's words.

"Of course darling. Of course."

o.O.o

"N-ngh!" Shusei groans, rolling to her side as a sharp pain cuts through her abdomen. Hotsuma's arm falls from her side as she rises from the bed, hand warm and wet from blood that runs from her legs.

Quickly rushing to the wash room, she softly cries as she washes the blood from her hands yet again, curling into herself when a hard cramp forces her to her knees. She sobs into her bloodied hands, asking God why.

Why does he kill every child she and Hotsuma create?

Why can't one just survive…

"Shusei?" She looks up in horror to find Hotsuma standing at the edge of the door, tired eyes wide and alert. His hands open and close into fists, obviously searching for words.

A low groan of pain emits from her parted lips and he steps forwards, falling to his knees as he crawls over to her, ignoring the blood on the ground as his hands ghost over her trembling body, searching for a visible wound.

"S-shusei…love, what's going on? Where are you hurt? Please…darling…talk to me…" Hotsuma pleads quietly with his brunette lover. She looks up at him, eyes red and puffy from tears, and utters four painful words.

"I lost the baby…"

The blood drains from Hotsuma's face and Shusei cries out in pain when the small child leaves her body. She turns her head away and sobs even harder. This was the fifth time and it hurt as much as the first. Strong arms pull her in a quiet embrace, wrapping her in the love she so desperately needed.

"Shusei…I thought you've only been pregnant once." Hotsuma murmurs quietly. She swallows hard and buries her tear-stained face in his chest, sobbing quietly.

"I've lost…five other children." She whispers, voice breaking in sorrow. The arms around her tighten slightly.

"Darling…why didn't you tell me?" Hotsuma whispers as well, tilting her head up, forcing her to ignore the small body that lay in front of them.

"Because…I…d-didn't want you to leave me…for a woman who could give you children…" She hiccups, voice rising in self-doubt and hysteria. "I-I thought if I could have just _one_ child…you'd stay…"

Hotsuma's eyes harden and he stares at her, gently stroking her hair to calm her down some. "You think the only reason I want you is because of children?"

Shusei bows her head in shame. "That's all women are good for…bearing children. I'm a useless one. I should just be-"

"Don't you dare say it." Hotsuma growls, hand starting to glow as bright as his angered eyes. "Don't you dare Shusei. If I hear you say you're better off dead once more, I'll…I'll…"

Shusei presses a finger to his lips, a sad smile on her face. She pulls her finger back and a thin trail of blood runs down his lips. She watches it the entire time, eyes darkening in self-loathing. Hotsuma quickly stops that train of thought before it gets too far.

He leans forwards and captures her trembling lips with his own, a hand cupping her tear-stained cheek gently. Hotsuma pulls back after a soft while, staring into her calmed eyes.

"Shusei…have I told you how much I love you?"

Shusei laughs quietly, her eyes slowly lighting back to life. "Every once in a while yes…"

Hotsuma kisses her softly again. "I love you…so much. And it breaks my heart every time you tell me you want to die…the next time you lose a child…I want you to tell me. I won't get mad. I won't leave you. I will stand by your side as we mourn together. Do you understand?"

She looks down and Hotsuma follows her gaze to the bloodied child on the ground. Without a second thought, Hotsuma takes off his nightshirt and gently picks up the premature baby, cradling it so gentle and lovingly in his arms that Shusei has to choke back another round of tears.

He raises a gentle finger and softly traces down the baby's face. He smiles gently and looks up at her, gaze loving and saddened.

"I wish we could've known the baby. She seems so sweet…" He murmurs softly and leans against her, looking back down at the baby.

She swallows hard and nods, smiling tearfully. "You'd be the best father…saving her from those damn boys like you always say…"

He laughs quietly, looking at her. "The only boy I trust is myself. She'd be in too much danger with all those insane boys out there."

Shusei smiles faintly, eyes closing when Hotsuma leans forwards to kiss her gently once more.

o.O.o

He gasps, sitting upright as he clutches his stomach that tumbles in a phantom pain. Gasping hard, Shusei pushes his sweaty hair back as he slowly looks around the room, forcing his pounding heart to slow.

A soft mumble comes from his left and he looks over to find Hotsuma asleep on his couch, television lighting up the room in muted adventure. Shusei lets a soft smile slip before it drops as he remembers his dream. When his stomach rolls once more, Shusei forces himself up so he can stumble his way to the bathroom.

Flinching when the light turns on too brightly, Shusei closes the door and leans against it heavily for a moment before steeling himself. He walks to the sink and turns on the water, looking up to gaze at himself in the mirror.

A bloodied girl stares back at him, eyes darkened by the pain of her life of before. He raises a wet hand to his face and the girl does the same, a bloodied handprint tracing down her cheek.

He swallows hard and looks down, washing his hands viciously as he mutters frantically under his breath.

"I've got to get it off…get it off…why won't it come off…"

Shusei all but screams when an arm wraps around his torso and he looks up, panicked to find himself staring at Hotsuma, who looked to awake in Shusei's mind.

"Shusei…what's wrong?"

Those words…repeated through time…

"Nothing Hotsuma, go back to bed." Shusei brushes him off, breathing normal as he continues to wash his hands frantically.

Hotsuma rests his head on Shusei's shoulder, other hand gently resting on Shusei's stomach. "Was it that dream again?"

Shusei pauses, looking at his hands hard.

"Shusei…we've both been plagued by that dream so much recently…what was it this time?"

He turns off the water, water splashing everywhere. "The child…was lost…and you were there."

The hand on his stomach rubs it just a bit harder. "I've had that one too…was it that bad?"

Shusei nods silently, looking down when Hotsuma turns around.

"Shusei. We're alright now. You don't need to keep blaming yourself." Hotsuma tells him, shaking his shoulders for extra reassurance.

Shusei looks to the side and says nothing, hand clenching his shirt over his heart.

"My heart breaks for every child we have lost. I just wish we could've given back to all those we lost." Shusei tells him quietly.

Hotsuma sighs, a smirk making its way on his face. "You know…I know a way to make this all better."

Shusei glances at him, eyes narrowing. "I don't trust that look, you fool."

"Well…we are both males…" Hotsuma leans forwards to kiss his neck, hand unbuttoning Shusei's nightshirt. "But that doesn't mean we can't try for a child, hmm?"

Shusei shivers and looks at his partner, eyes glinting as a soft smirk spreads across his face. "You trying to distract me?"

"No. I'm merely doing our past selves proud." Hotsuma says before leaning in for an overdue kiss.


End file.
